butterfly kisses

The weekend was as I hoped for - relaxing. It was that, in totality, although it had moments where I was on the brink of screaming bloody murder. I don't know why I put up with what transpired. I can't tell if I was imagining things or my mind was in hyper mode. But at Sunday's end, all was well.

The downpour had much to contribute to me keeping it real and keeping my wits about me. That rain also signaled the end of summer. I was so eager to welcome that respite from the sweltering humidity. Too bad it didn't rain Sunday night. But at least, it wasn't as muggy as it might have been had there been no early June shower earlier that day.

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I know that some of my frustration stems from not finding that space that calls home to me. Very elusive. Truly. It makes me think that maybe I am pushing for something that is not yet meant to be mine.

While the stubborn side of me refuses to accept that, the rational side of me cautions me to slow down, relax, and acknowledge that finding the right space to call your very own takes time.

Well, I waited this long, a few more months can't hurt. Especially when it's the perfect sanctuary I find.

It has been such a busy week. I don't know how the heck I kept it together but I did manage. God sent some pretty neat gals -- angels in disguise, more like -- to help keep me from totally unraveling.

Maryann, my best girl; a Dr. Phil in skirts, constant source of enthusiasm, logic and love

Chiki, my good source of constant distraction; keep those fabulously ridiculous quizzes comin'

Greza, my constant gimik girl & fellow movie buff; source of really good books, recipes and kiligs

Tita Paz, my mom, friend, tita at the office; constant source of support, wonderful anecdotes, yummy recipes and sound advice.

I am looking forward to a stress-free weekend.

Company beach party yesterday. I had a strange feeling the whole day. Like there was something not pretty bound to happen. I shoved the feeling aside and tried to concentrate on doing my job -- see to it that the day turned out to be a success -- and enjoy a Sunday at the beach, for free. I wanted the affair to be fun and relaxing. It's the least I could do for the employees. It was their one day during the first half of the year to have fun outside the four office walls.

At day's end was when it boiled over. I lost my cool and almost grabbed the beach resort receptionists by their collars and slap them senseless for being such idiots. Sigh. If I had gone home with Tita Paz after lunch, I wouldn't have lost my cool. My day wouldn't have been ruined. But the call of duty was much stronger and I couldn't find it in me to just leave.

The downward spiral continued as I made my way home. I was told bluntly, without minced words, that I could not let off steam or vent anymore. The one person who I thought would be supportive told me that. I just needed to talk to someone about it. Someone who would understand. Apparently, that person wasn't it and yesterday was not the day I thought I would get a sympathetic ear.

Lesson re-learned the hard way: It will always go back to me, myself and I. Other people will never get me.

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Came home to find my brother burning up with fever. I gave him medicines and tried to let him have a few more hours of sleep since he insisted on going to work despite the fever, cough and colds. The medicines helped. At midnight, he left for work and I am left by myself at home. It is a fitting end to an otherwise somewhat trying day. It made me think how wonderful it would be to have my own place. Soon.

I am doing better than I expected when I said I will try to minimize and eventually stop drinking coffee. It is a great effort since I love my cup of java. I went through a time where all I could think, see and smell was coffee. I had moments where I was alternately hyper and irritable. I would sometimes sit at the coffee shop and order hot choco just so I can be around the aroma of coffee. Now, it is not so bad. A few more days and I would've done without coffee for a month!

Right now, I am suffering from another type of withdrawal symptom -- withdrawing from social intimacy. I have a selected few close friends with whom I see every two weeks or so. The past month we have all been busy with work, we can never set a date to get together. The constant reskeds has dragged on. I feel like I am in a weird place. I just want to up and leave. It doesn't really pay to get used to something.

"Agostino Carracci made this engraving, called Love Conquers All," he said. "What do you see?"
On the right side of the picture were two naked women. On the left side, a baby boy was beating up a much larger and more muscular satyr.
"That," my father said, pointing to the boy, "is Love."
"He is not supposed to be on your side. You fight with him; you try to undo what he does to others. But he's too powerful. No matter how much we suffer, Virgil says, our hardships cannot move him."
Our hardships cannot move him. Love conquers all.

- The Rule of Four, Ian Caldwell & Dustin Thomason


I don't know what it is about this engraving and the above explanation but it literally made me pause and think. To think of Love as all powerful and that our hardships cannot move him is a new concept to me. My romantic pattern being what it is, I sort of think that it makes sense in a way only I can understand.

PISCES

May 10, 2005

A general tendency to fire off too fast, shoot from the hip and miss, and boil over unpredictably marks this as a very volatile time. Accidents abound, tempers flare, and sudden moves bring cause for regret. Look both ways crossing the street and avoid potentially explosive situations -- and don't fly off the handle yourself.


SIGH.

I should be happy I am almost done with the policy I am working on now. But instead of feeling happy...I can't get out of my head.

Dang!

PISCES

May 9, 2005

You need a lot more knowledge and skill in managing your relationships than you at first thought. Romance is an ongoing challenge that requires you to lift your ball game and progressively develop these skills. You’re probably feeling a little nervous about how to deal with certain problems that are arising, and this is due to your tendency to use existing methods rather than stepping outside the square and being a little more creative romantically.


YAWN!!

I am so bored....