butterfly kisses

Saturday, February 26

Got home at about 5 minutes to 10am and promptly plopped on the bed ready to snooze the hours away when I get a text message from birthday girl, Maryann: 2:25-2:30pm @ Ayala Food Choices; be there or else . I couldn't help but grin. Silly girl thinks I'd miss it on purpose. Texted her back to say I was gonna be present but that I needed to get some shut-eye first. Whaddyaknow?! I did miss Mary's get-together because I woke up a little past 1pm due to hammers banging. The shed next to my room was being repaired. Headache central. The massage from my brother did wonders -- I was able to sleep 15 hours.


Sunday, February 27

C woke me up at about 5 minutes to 8am. As requested. I just had a feeling if no one woke me up that I would miss out on the day's activity -- snorkeling at the marine sanctuary off Mactan. Glad I was able to go. I just can't get enough of the water. The fishes I saw were a bit disappointing but couldn't blame them though. The current was a bit strong; but the waves...woohoo!! Loved it, loved it, loved it.

Of course, as is almost already customary with C, G and me, (this time though, R went with us) we didn't go straight home. We stopped by SM to see what bargains we could find. Zilch! Just as well. My pocket, nay, my wallet, is super lightweight these days.


Monday, February 28

Woke up early but got up late. Too lazy to get a move on. Blame it on too much swimming the day before? Did no such thing. But it felt real good to just lie in bed awhile and try to move my shoulders, feel the tension of the muscles that hadn't had that much exercise in months.

But, get up I did. I had to renew my driver's license. Yeah, I still got 18 more days until the expiry but why the heck wait? Still...wait was the order of the day. I started the process at a little past 9am and headed home 4pm. All the time standing in line was a little bit much. I don't want to count how many hours I spent standing. Government inefficiency and people wanting to cut in line are scenarios that just left me drained. I am grateful my brother sacrificed precious sleeping hours to accompany me until the very last step - getting the plastic that was the object of today's (mis)adventure.

Met up with G & C at The Dessert Factory for some chika and to pick up my cough meds C was such a dear to purchase for me. I was wearing a red shirt and by golly, before long I was seeing red and steam was coming out of my ears listening to both girls tell me how their a-hole of an HRD keeps blaming P for her own damned inefficiency. Useless! I wonder how the hell she ever got to be an HRD. I never thought I would actually wish someone would get the axe real soon, but in HRD's case, I am wishing it. Such misery in one workplace caused by one person. I say, "Off with her head!"

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In a nutshell, busy weekends are a rarity; but so far, my next two weekends are already booked.

I am definitely looking forward to more!

For many years after that, when times were bad, I would take out a pair of those chopsticks and hold them in my hand. I would feel the weight of the silver resting in my palm, solid and unbreakable, just like my hopes. I would dangle the chain that meant a pair could never be separated, never lost. I would pluck at the air, at nothing.

Can you imagine how innocent I was, how strong my innocence? I was still waiting for the day I could finally bring those silver chopsticks out in the open, no longer a secret. I was still dreaming of celebrations I would hold, of happiness yet to come.

- Jiang Weili, from Amy Tan's The Kitchen God's Wife


This moved me -- how people's spirit can never be broken unless they give up all hope in the deepest, darkest recesses of their heart.

Isn't losing hope akin to abandoning your soul to whatever fate the devil may conspire to inflict on it?

It's the weekend but I can't seem to get excited over the prospect of going to some mountain resort and spend quiet time with mother nature. For days I looked forward to it, especially when I was getting stressed. But now that it is here -- today is the day; in a few hours we'll be heading out -- all I got is the blahs.

I have always liked this song. Lately though, for some reason, when I think about my brother going off to another country to work, the song comes to mind. It's like I just know he will be starting out on a journey of a lifetime. But what is ironic is that this song seems to be about two people starting out a life together. Well, maybe he will be doing just that when he gets to wherever he is headed.....if he ever gets the chance.

Oh I am so getting ahead of everything.



At The Beginning
Richard Marx/Donna Lewis

(Donna Lewis)
We were strangers starting out on a journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

(Richard Marx)
No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
When I lost hope you were there to remind me
This is the start

(Chorus)
And Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

(Both)
We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

(Chorus)
And Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

(Bridge)
Knew there was somebody somewhere
Like a light in the dark
Now I know that dreams will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

And Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing
Starting out on a journey
Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

...Gan looked at me, then quietly said, "You see yourself only in a mirror. But I see you the way you can never see yourself, all the pure things, neither good nor bad."
I would recall this many times.....I would get up quietly and look in the mirror. I would turn my face back and forth, trying to imagine Gan's eyes looking at me. I would cry to myself, "What did he see? What did he see?"

-- Jiang Weili, from Amy Tan's The Kitchen God's Wife


How do people see us? Really see us? Is it so much different than the way we see ourselves? Why?

Going Where The Wind Blows
Mr. Big

Someone said life is for the taking
Here I am with my hand out waiting for a ride
I've been living on my great expectations
What good is it when I'm stranded here
And the world just passes by
Where are the signs to help me get out of this place
If I should stumble on my moment in time
How will I know
If the story's written on my face, does it show
Am I strong enough to walk on water
Smart enough to come in out of the rain
Or am I a fool going where the wind blows

Here I sit halfway to somewhere
Thinking about what's in front of me and
what I left behind
On my own, supposed to be so easy
Is this what I've been after
Or have I lost my mind
Maybe this is my chance and it's coming to take me away
If I should stumble on my moment in time
How will I know
If the story's written on my face, does it show
Am I strong enough to walk on water
Smart enough to come in out of the rain
Or am I a fool going where the wind blows

Here I am walking naked through the world
Taking up space, society's child
Make room for me, make room for me,
make room for me
Am I strong enough to walk on water
Smart enough to come in out of the rain
Or am I a fool
Going where the wind blows
Going where the wind blows

I stayed in my office for lunch break. Turned off the lights. Closed the door. Turned up the volume of winamp just a notch. Sat in the dark. Listened to the A/C. Alone with my thoughts.

I wanted out. Simple as that. Stagnate is a word I truly, absolutely, positively hate. For the past two weeks I couldn't think of anything but. I was so itching to leave and find another job elsewhere. Fate was tempting me, too. Friends whom I haven't been in touch with for a while texted/called to entice me to leave my present company and go back to banking. So tempting. All the perks sure beat what I have here right now. But I promised myself I would never go back to banking. I already know what it involves; why do I want to go back?

So there I was, sitting in the dark; barely hearing my favorite tunes. I was forced out of my reverie after about 45 minutes. It left me in a funk all afternoon. Thank goodness C and G had time to meet up with me. Window shopping, dinner together, shop talk, chika. All conspired to get me out of the mind-numbing stupor I had started to put myself into.

Now I feel better. Lots. I will still update that resume; but I will not run roughshod over everything I got right now. There is a reason I am here. I got it good. I should realize that and continue doing my best. I will know when the time to move on comes.

If it is for me, everything will fall into place. I knew that. Stubbornness and pride sure has a way of clouding my vision.

"No comment. Pero gi-andam na nako akong kaugalingon. Silent 500% ni ako." (Rough translation: No comment. But I have already resigned myself to this fact. My stand is - silent 500%.)

G just sandbagged me with this remark. C's 200% and her 500% leave me with big round eyes and goosebumps on neck and arms.

What the hell happened to my 2%?! Your guess is as good as mine!

We had planned a trek up some hill on Sunday. Unfortunately, bad weather during the week forced us to reconsider. Most of us being first-timers and all, it really wasn't in our best interest to tempt mother nature to test us.

Instead, I ended up checking out an apartment at Maguikay. It was a nice two bedroom unit, with one bathroom and in a safe neighborhood. But, I wasn't too keen on it when a colleague, who lives in door number 2, said the neighbors do karaoke at night. Ugh! I have nothing against people who want to warble their hearts out, but I want peace and quiet, especially when I am home so..."Next!"

Late Saturday night found me at Kahayag with Greza & Chiki. We hadn't planned on going. G was in a kind of stupor after finding out something terrible and heartwrenching happened to her bestfriend C. We were just sitting at Bo's with our iced and hot drinks -- hot choco for me -- when out of the blue G declares she wanted to drink ginpom. Well, there is only one place that has that so off we went. I ended having breakfast there, too.

Sunday was dvd marathon day. Five movies (yep! one more than last time ) -- Ladder 49, Million Dollar Baby, Eulogy (hilarious!), Bridget Jones's Diary: Edge of Reason (I had seen this but what the heck, it is still a fun film), and Friday Night Lights. I went home at 11:30pm and dozed off as soon as I climbed into bed and said "Good night! Thanks for a nice weekend." to the Big Guy.

Ah, weekends.

Sun Sign
Pisces


TODAY
Every little bit of mental awareness counts, dear Pisces. Remember this the next time you see a fountain and plan on just walking by. Instead you should definitely take the time to stop and throw a coin in while making a wish. This physical gesture will serve as a reminder that there are dreams inside of you that long to be heard. Give them a voice.

"...there are dreams inside of you that long to be heard. Give them a voice." Is this a reminder or what?


TOMORROW
A phone call or e-mail from a friend brings good news about one of your goals, dear Pisces. Writing or speaking may be involved. Hard work has paid off for you, and now you'll probably be moving up to the next level of accomplishment in your career. You've completed one goal. What are your new ones? Now's the time to list them and discern which ones mean the most to you. Congratulations, and enjoy your day.

New goals?


THIS WEEK
You may find that, as Venus trines Saturn, your artistic efforts bear great fruit this week. Venus then moves to square Pluto on Friday so if you notice that someone also seems to be jealous of you or even obsessed with you, try to ignore it once again. It is not worth making a scene over. Mercury does turn retrograde on Saturday, and this may bring about delays in getting new relationships off the ground. Be sure to back up your data and check your virus program. Have a good old clear out session as well.

Hah! No wonder the dumb old pc is acting up. Sheesh.


THIS MONTH
A disagreement about your work could be contentious on March 1. A romantic surprise may be especially welcome on March 4. This may produce a romantic surprise. On March 10, family relationships may be validating and supportive. On March 19, past issues related to finance could emerge. You may be feeling nostalgic on March 21. On March 25, financial issues can be resolved through negotiation and a little creativity. A change in a contractual relationship may be worth considering.

"A change in a contractual relationship...." Uh-hmm...

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Ah, if only life were so predictable.
But where's the fun in that?

It warms the heart to know just how much you are loved. Friday, March 18th, I got a lot of love.

To all of you who remembered and sent greetings, wishes, prayers and gifts my way, my deepest thanks. You are all good! *HUGS*

It has been an awesome experience to get to view the south of Cebu by driving through the coastal towns. Nothing can compare to the exhilirating view of both the mountains and the coast. Not even if some of the mountains are brown and bald from too much kaingin or for farming. Nature is simply majestic and moving.

The drive on March 5-6 was a first for me in a long while. Nothing beats the cool mountain air, seeing birds that look a lot like eagles soar in the sky as they hunt for food, watching smaller versions of egrets take to the rice paddies like they ruled the place, seeing lots of trees (some really old and huge) or rivers and dry riverbeds. Stargazing while up some mountain in San Fernando was incomparable. I counted more than six shooting stars before I started nodding off.

Yesterday, the drive through the Transcentral Highway (Balamban) going to Toledo and coming out at Tabunoc was much shorter than we thought. We stopped by Island in the Sky Resort and checked out the place. It was okay. Might be nice to drive up there for some stargazing again one of these summer nights. Springpark Resort was a bit of a disappointment. Give it a few more months -- there was construction going on. The short end of the stick for this trip? We freaking forgot to stop and buy sweet corn. Well, guess that'll be the first thing on our list for next time.

My last inter-province road trip was in 1994 when I left Bacolod City for the last time to come home to Cebu City and stay for good. That was 10 years ago. I haven't been back since. Bacolod City has changed, I'm sure; that is why I am eager to go back sometime this year and be with my Negrense friends. Maybe this October, for Masskara.

I like long drives and road trips. I am thankful that I found a kindred spirit who shares my enthusiasm for this sort of activity. In the meantime....what's next? Mt. Manunggal!



Many thanks to Brian for cleaning up some of these pictures.

C invited G & me to meet friends she hasn't seen in a while. Off to Kaona we went. What started out as just going grocery-shopping ended at 2am the next morning. Doesn't matter. In exchange, I gained a few new friends.

I never thought I would say this about a place in my beloved city but, really, the spectacle I saw last night was, to say the least, gross to the nth degree. I consider myself to be pretty open-minded about things and people's behavior. But to see people gyrate lewdly on the dancefloor made me blink a few million times and wish a few gazillion times more that I were in some other place.

The place made me think that if ever I had to conjure up a non-Hollywood version of hell, that was it. The place looked like it could use a major makeover bigtime. Even Thom Filicia would pass out at the sight of that courtyard with all the cheap tables and chairs and even cheaper lighting equipment.

I am sorry if I offend some people with my observation. I have done my share of the bar/club scene but that place was by far THE most pathetic excuse of a bar/club/disco I have ever seen in my life, barring all those bars that cater to foreigners and cheap sex. The major point that saved that place from total disgrace is the fact that people go there to have clean fun. And by clean fun, I mean taking to the dancefloor. There weren't any semi-naked dancing girls that guys can pay to take out for the night. That makes them a bit OK in my book, although they are waaaay down there in the list.

It was the first time I had been to that place. Believe it when I say it is also the last.

I am not interested.

Truly.

I don't care what they have hidden in their hearts; in the deep, dark recess of their minds. Their thoughts, their longings, their desires which they try so hard to mask from the world's prying eyes.

But do they heed my silent plea? Can they not see in my eyes my silent scream? How could they not feel my body recoil as they start to tell me what only I must know and no one else?

Why must it be me?

Busy day today. At least I am in that kind of mindset. I always consider it as such when I have to go meet people for business and not pleasure.

I got a call Saturday (yep, on Black Saturday, imagine that!). Someone who used to work with a company I applied with last year was offering me a job. A high-paying one. Or so she said. I wasn't even curious to find out what the job entails. It's like the minute she uttered the words I knew it was just like banking. I have said goodbye to it and have no plans of going back. No, it is not banking. Financial services.

Two weeks ago I was feeling desperate to get out. Now I get a job offer and all I could muster was "Umm....I see. OK. Thank you very much. I'll call you soon about my decision." when she asked if I was available for a meeting on Sunday. Easter Sunday, no less. Who the heck skeds a biz meeting on Easter Sunday?! She must not be Catholic or Christian.

Anyway, I have relented and here we are. Business dinner at 6:30pm. I am curious about the whole financial and benefits package. Who knows?

Some people just can't wait. They always jump to the wrong conclusions. I thought jumping was a form of exercise -- one that is done in a gym, or outdoors; not in an office.

Oh well. To you who was so quick to jump to conclusions and claim I don't need to tell you my decision, this I say: Fine. You win, because you know everything.

Idiot.

The pictures of moonrise and sunrise that my brother took while he was in Bantayan Island were, to say the least, breathtaking. It made me just sit and stare. I wish I had gone there with him. Wish being the operative word. Friends had invited me to go but at the time I didn't feel like going due to budget constraints. Besides, if I went with my brother and his group, it would not be right. I don't want to cramp his style. As if I ever would.

Anyhow, Chiki has invited me to go to Bantayan April 16-17. Hmm...super tempting but I am not sure yet at this time. So many things to consider. Priority among them being my search for that elusive abode. Second is the money -- it's gonna eat up a portion of what I have been saving for rent and the purchase of other appliances I would need. Hmm...

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The tension dissipated last night at a little past 7pm. I was able to explain my decision and why I didn't feel like telling him about it right after he asked what it was. It was quite an experience and I give myself a pat on the back for doing it through the mobile phone. I don't think it would've gone any better than it did had it been face to face. It was all good.

Tita Paz, you are a gem! Thank you for the encouragement and the honesty. "That's what titas are for." Indeed!