butterfly kisses

ah, friday.

always look forward to the weekends. although, some weekends are just a-ok, having no obligations always make these 1-and-a-half days worth waiting for. used to be that i'd get excited thursday evenings just thinking about the day after.

what changed?

maybe being single again. my circle of friends have gone back to what it used to be because i didn't keep in contact with 'joint' friends. and...my friends always got something or other so i sometimes feel like it's easier to schedule an organ transplant than sked an evening out. of course i'm exaggerating but it's the truth.

whatever changed, fact remains that i don't feel the urge to go out and party 'til my body screamed for rest. used to be that crashing was a normal occurrence. used to be.

am i happy with the way things are now? you bet.

fridays...aahhh. still the best day of the week.

you're very special to me.

does that statement mean more than i love you?

had a good talk with cacai sunday evening. she called 11:30pm; 11:30am her time. i was awake coz i got a lot out of my much needed afternoon nap. although the cramps were still making me cringe now and again, they were more bearable sans the pain relievers.

i had one of those days where everything is just too heavy. like a sack of cement i barely can lift. the whole day of sunday felt like that. stayed in bed, watched some dvds, a bit of tv, came to the table when called. what a life, huh? yeah. right. kinda boring but .... it was the idyllic setting for me yesterday.

even now i still feel so lethargic. when will this monday end....

raining. hard. would make for good sleep. just what i need after a mildly challenging day at work.

dinner. after buying a few essential things, i went about my hunt for that deep fried chicken. i had a craving since sunday afternoon. i headed to that pizza place that had my favorite. the chicken parts are huge to boot

disappointment. they didn't have all the parts i wanted. but no matter. some were my brother's fave anyways. i did plan on taking some home. problem solved.

yum. seafood chowder soup. i had this feeling that other diners were looking at me different. like i was a fish out of water. because i was all by myself.

funny. i never thought being out alone was that strange. true, i did wonder before why people would prefer to dine out alone.

why. now i know. it is not a preference. it is a fact. sometimes you want to eat someplace and no one's with you.

deal. i could only shake my head in amazement and raise one signature eyebrow when people make sweeping statements in my presence.

"i am not that desperate to watch a movie all by myself."

"i haven't lost my mind yet to dine at a restaurant all alone."

really? to have to make those declarations to anyone who would listen, now that is desperate.

raining. still. mmmm. cozy.

song title: The Eleventh Hour
artist: Jars Of Clay

trace the shape of my heart
'til it becomes more familiar to your eyes
i've been lost without you
cold without your love
it's taken days and nights to make me realize

CHORUS:
rescue me from hangin' on this line
i won't give up on giving you
the chance to blow my mind
let the eleventh hour quickly pass me by
i'll find you when i think i'm out of time

take the place of my heart
'til i become a stranger to my life
i've been down without you
wrong without your love
in time will i be what you're thinking of?

[CHORUS]

i've been down without you
cold without your love
in time will i be what you're thinking of?

[CHORUS] x 2

time
time
time
--------------------

This song saved my sanity Sunday as I waited in Church for something that I knew would have a huge impact in my life. As I sat there in the silence and tranquility, letting myself be overcome with the feeling of peace as I dreaded the ticking of each second that was bringing me nearer to finding out "the truth," it dawned on me that whatever happens, I will walk away with head held high. There may be tears streaming down my face and an ache in my heart....but...that did not happen.

I have repeatedly asked Him my question(s) and He answered me with silence. Or so I thought.

He did answer me. In His own time.

He taught me patience.

He taught me trust -- the unquestioning kind.

Funny how we all keep forgetting the universe does not revolve around us.

I was reminded once again.

I am humbled. I am grateful. I am sane.

"you're very special to me."

"i care for you but...."


Now more than ever, those statements got me confused.

You love people you care about. You care for people you love. So what and where exactly is the difference?

How can you say you care for someone but not love them?

Slowly it dawned on me. To care for someone is to go beyond loving the person. It means you accept whoever the person was, has become, or will become. No conditions. It goes beyond feeling the thrills of first-time crushes and attractions; beyond having the sudden rush of adrenaline when the object of the affection is near; nor the anticipation of having the person close by.

To care deeply is to love deeply. To care for the person's overall being is loving that person totally. A love that has matured and evolved over time into something more is the lasting kind. Where the intensity of the thrill has diminished, the acceptance and understanding is multiplied.

But that is my realization. If caring for me is not good enough to be considered loving me totally.....then so be it.

Just let me be and end this misery.

a rose in bloom
is a thing of beauty
yet like all things beautiful
it is easy to overlook the imperfection

roses have thorns
bears have claws
fishes have sharp fins...
just like people

beautiful to behold
endowned with beauty and character
in kindness and generosity
shines forth the true soul

therein lies real beauty
perfect in its seemingly abundant flaws
perfect in it's being itself
as God intended all to be

05-31-2001

A blank page! I get excited seeing a blank page. My hands itch to find a pen and scribble away. Think of the many possibilites!

I have always fancied myself a "writer." Not in the league of the greats, no. Nevertheless, a writer because I write what I feel, what I want to express, what I believe in.

It has always given me a kind of contentment - a great release, a sense of freedom - when I am able to write down my thoughts at day's end. I have not really given much thought to writing that "great novel." I still have self-doubt where that is concerned.

I have admired persons and individuals who are able to reach other people at a certain level in their lives, at key moments in time. Take for example the Youngblood column (Philippine Daily Inquirer). It has become an avenue for 20-somethings to share a bit about themselves. I was able to relate to some of the stories; sympathized with others in their plights, whether toward happiness, frustration, or otherwise. I cheered as some shared their triumphs over life's tribulations, small personal victories that are universal in their appeal.

A voracious reader, I have the opportunity to get to have ideas about some things. Yet, whether these can translate into something concrete is a question I don't even ask myself.

I love write, and I love to read. Period. I do both to please myself.

*May 19, 2001

I found this piece in the pages of an old notebook I intend to reuse. I do not even remember the experience -- July 10, 2001. Seems so long ago. Rereading it made me remember the lesson. The best way to not forget is to imbibe it.

I went to one of the local camps today to process my clearance, part of a requirement for an employer. I discovered a little obscure man bringing sunshine not only to his existence, but to all with whom he came in contact with. This person -- whose name, I'm embarrassed to admit, I didn't even ask for -- was in charge of the finger-printing section. He wasn't the person in-charge then when I went to the same office six months ago.

What made our encounter memorable to me was the fact that the "90%-10%" rule was so evident in his demeanor. I was in despair that I left the NBI office without even getting close to step 1 of the process - getting priority number. I was disheartened by the lack of a proper system. Add to that the fact that one counter was closed because it was now 10:30am! Huh?! Correct me if I am wrong, but the last time I checked, lunch break usually starts at 11:30am. Or maybe mine and everybody else's watch was broken?

So there I was, cursing government inefficiency and government employees' lack of sympathy toward the very people they are supposed to serve. And who, by the way, pays their salary. A tiny yet very important detail they can't seem to get into their heads. Then out of the blue, here is this "Manong" who was so helpful, with a cheerful disposition and a ready smile.

He made me chastise myself for making generalizations. He made me realize that life is 90% how we react to whatever comes our way. He had a job where the monthly pay is lower than mine. Yet, he had an outlook that certainly made me think twice! I'm pretty sure he had a family to raise yet he took everything in stride. And for those pessimistic-minded people, no, he wasn't hitting on the ladies. His demeanor was the same toward everyone - male, female, young, old. God indeed has ways of making us see and realize that people are innately good.

May 27-30, 2004


It has been quite a week. Really, really spectacular. Thursday, I had dinner with friends I rarely see all together at one time. You cannot imagine the talk that went on. It went on for hours. Over dinner, over coffee. I believe the foodcourt and the coffehouse was a tad quieter when the group left.

First time in months that I went back to doing what I did a lot of a few years back -- bar-hopping. Saturday, checked out some of the bar scenes in Cebu City and I must say, it was an eye-opener. Really. Some of the places are real disappointments but some of the talents playing the gigs make going to those places worth it.

The evening started with dinner at the Bantayan Exchange. It was an experience. The food was good and prices were reasonable. Then the bar-hop began. After we visited a few of the most known places, final stop was Sunflower City. Whaddyaknow?! No cover charge that night. Talk about timing. Stagecrew really rocked the house -- a good mix of alternative and dance music kept the people on their toes. I had wanted to dance the night away...but when I got there, I lost the urge. I don't know why..I now wish I did. Ironic.

We capped the night-out with breakfast at one of the local diners that's open 24 hours. The sizzling hamburger steak was a totally welcome treat after all bar food and drinks I had. I usually look forward to the after-meal chat. This is the time for doing catch-up. Dreams achieved, career-moves made, family issues both current and past, current loves and loves lost. Time spent away from each other. Opinions, suggestions, beliefs thrown back and forth. It's therapeutic and heartwarming to just listen and absorb what is being said.

At day's end, or beginning, I looked back at the hours that just passed. Yes....it was one heck of a Saturday night. One I hope to remember for a long while.

Yes! Ever since I decided to really let GOD it has been the start of one happy exciting time.

Let him be.

Now I breathe easier, feel better and my heart feels light.

Stubborn, stubborn me.

But if I had to go through all that just to learn a very important fact of life, then so be it.


Song of the Moment: take me away by lifehouse