butterfly kisses

My brother is the bearer of good news -- my pc monitor at home is fixed! Hey yeah! Now I can "blog away" (right, normz? hehe) from the comforts of home.
Cost for replacing the ic: P583. Definitely a bargain from P5500 - P6000 cost of buying a new 17" monitor. Wheee! I can spend the money on something else -- like a big screen tv.
Ok...gotta go earn more money for the tv. Maybe one of those plasma models. Hey, dreams are FREE!

it's just noon and i feel like a thousand heavy pair of boots just walked all over me.

could be because i burned the midnight candle just loafing. by that i mean watching tv, surfing, chatting with a high school batchmate currently residing in north carolina. just random stuff.

wish i were at some other place. anywhere warm and cozy. definitely not where i'm at right now. with FUN company. that is key.

writing about this is only gonna crack me up when i read this again. or not. i am so making sense...even to myself.

i need some shut-eye. disturb at your own risk.

you have been warned.

I made a point of looking up at the great sky above as I was making my way out of the house. Seeing a streak of feathery white across the a great big blue expanse took my breath away.

"I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all"

Joni Mitchell's song came to mind like it was the most natural thing to occur. What do I know about clouds? Nothing that will be of any significance to me in times when I reflect. Or in times when I would need someone to share ideas with. Nothing. Except make me appreciate just how insignificant I am in the scheme of things.

Have I ever felt insignificant? To an extent, yes. When I feel at a loss. When I feel like I need to be appreciated. When I feel like I was left out on something that is important and meaningful to me. Case in point: a friend and I talked and spent time together catching up about how life was treating each of us. The challenges constantly faced. The seemingly huge disappointments and equally exhilirating triumphs. All important in the second they occur. But, when given enough time, is nothing more than a fleeting memory of what was and what had been.

"I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all"

Until we asked each other: Is this even important to you? Honestly, it was and it wasn't. It was important because the person was special to me. It wasn't because it didn't really affect me all that much. But could I tell my friend this? Would what I say be taken at face value and not taken to mean I didn't care?

It was at that moment that I felt insignificant. Although the question was asked in the course of a pleasant and interesting conversation, it nevertheless made me recall some ideas that I have been mulling over and over in my head. I daren't say anything to my friend for it will only add to the growing feeling of listlessness brought about by the question and the frank answer.

"I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all"

Yes. In a nutshell, I don't know much about life. But I do know that to give up the search for the answers I ask of the universe is not an option. That is why I like looking up at earth's big blue dome. It makes me appreciate just how insignificant I am in the scheme of things. Yet it also makes me realize that I do have a purpose.

I want to remember

feeling the rush from a rollercoaster ride
how I stared in awe at the exotic animals at the zoo
the heartbreak of losing someone I loved
hearty laughter shared among friends
a tear drop when I felt I was being taken forgranted
being overcome with an intense peace as I sat in an empty church
getting anxious as I waited for board exam results
my sense of accomplishment as I marched up to receive my master's diploma
praises received for a job well done
such helplessness seeing children beg at city streets
feeling sorry that people pick through garbage for food
deep shame as I confessed my sins
excitement at venturing out of the place I call home
sighs of contentment
how I thanked God for my parents and my brother
expectant at the prospect of meeting old friends again
love's first kiss
wondering why I was devoid of all feeling
the rush of blood to my head when I lashed out in anger
being gripped with fear
an attack of loneliness
deepfelt gratitude for times when I had the house to myself
letting my hair down and having fun
putting my foot in my mouth
getting up after each skid and fall
pain -- physical, emotional, psychological
happiness everytime I wake from deep slumber
standing in the middle of an open field

I want to remember all these
And so much more

Memory fades
Eroded by time
Increasingly becoming unreliable with each passing day

To remember
To relive the moments
Even for just one last time....
Pure bliss!

If there is one thing that pisses me off, it's people going through my stuff without asking permission. I don't mind you telling me after the fact, especially if the thing was needed but I wasn't around to say "go ahead" or offer it in the first place.

Before going to bed early this morning, I found out someone opened my mail. I seethed. All thoughts of sleep went out the door. But since everyone was in deep slumber, it left me to ask the burning question for a later time.

To put me in a better mood, I found out someone took out something from my "food stash box" in my room. It may be just a little thing - one that can be replaced immediately. Today, in fact. But the action is what really has me annoyed.

Whatever the heck happened to privacy? I never touch anyone's stuff unless totally unavoidable. And I make it a point to inform the person right away what happened and why I had to take initiative. Is it too much to ask for the same courtesy? I expected as much from friends and co-workers. I expected no less from members of my own family.

It has become so easy to think of "me me me" all the time. It has me wondering why in the hell I bother getting hot under the collar. But then again, some things are just PRIVATE!

well well well...whaddya know?

i don't know and i ain't in the mood to guess

well, guess again

ok...enough with the wisecracks

i am so not feeling sleepy...at 1:34am that has got to be something

and pray tell what am i gonna do at 1pm later?

sleep on the job?

as if i could dare

yeah, i could. IF the boss went out

ooohhh....abuse!!!

aw, c'mon! don't be so obtuse

hmmm...better to be

then i can say i am totally hip

there...i just proved i need sleep

other than that, i could've just lost my mind

lost & found here we go

bummer

Yeah...exactly what I meant. I did a double take. Me refusing to take another bite of barely touched yummy spaghetti a la tegola?

Greza KILL me now!!

Funny. But me refusing food at lunch hour only meant one thing -- me not feeling all too well. But heck. I was feeling fine. Theory: I must've left my appetite back at the office. To be in a cozy place like La Tegola and not "dig in." oohh....bumsville.

Greza KILL me now!!

It is definitely a place that I would want to take my family to. The thought of going into such a (seemingly) swank place scared the beejeebers out of me. I'd hate to come out of there with a ball and chain tied to strategic body parts. Said body parts being my beloved limbs. Now I found the place isn't half bad. Although the setup kinda intimidates us of the starved and skinnier-than-thou wallets at first, it's a place you would really make a point of visiting again.

The ambience is nice. Cozy and quiet. But for a place that's supposedly on the up and up, they were playing Madonna's song from way back when. But hey! I thought it was cool.

The next time I get a chance to dine there again, I will definitely make a point of checking that my taste buds aren't in Malfunction Central. Hmm...come to think of it. That may just be where my love for the 4-letter F word is. On vacation. Oh for -- gimme a break!! F-O-O-D...ok?

Curious. Tonight, I barely ate dinner. Just downed a nice cool mug of Chuckie and that's it. All that and I considered myself done with dinner?! Hah!

Greza...you know what to do

Perfect
by True Faith

You are perfect
You are perfect

Changing hues
The change of seasons
Will leave you no clues
As desperation spreads
Within a broken soul
Life leaves you feeling dead
But just like Mathis singing
On a low-down Sunday afternoon
The blues split apart
All my sense departs
As I see you come into view

Baby, as I look into your eyes
Ooh, you're perfect
Judging from the way you make me high
Ooh, it's worth it
Perfect
It's everything you are to me
Perfect
And everything I am to you

You are perfect
You are perfect

Crossroads and bridges
We come through a lot of trying stages
Our love sets us free from the realms of
Our own self-made cages

Rain fallin' down
Seems like it could last for years
Drowning me down
Drowning in a sea of tears
Little did I know
Someone set my soul free

Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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7:30pm
Woke up from a late afternoon nap. The Pelican Brief was on HBO. Must remember to borrow the book again and read. I do remember thinking the movie didn't do the book much justice.

7:45
Dinner. Fave lechon manok

8:00pm
Check email.

What a way to spend Saturday night.

I would've been happier if I found the house to myself. All these people going about miserably failing at trying to mind their business is starting to really get to me. I need to find my own space.

Or maybe this want shall pass. Or not.

emotions run so deep
they hurt when they surface
i say goodbye
to a love gone
kept alive by memories
of happier times
hopes and promises
of what could be

now that my eyes have opened
and see as clearly as they should
the vision i behold
is one of sorrow for me
for you have long departed
with nary a word to me...
a gesture of kindness?
cruel, really

so goodbye
to you
and goodbye
to me
to all that
we have been
to all that
we will never be

*Dec. 7, 2002...and today